The eagerly awaited 2025 Goldfish Gift, Blessing, and Hex Guide!
Naughty? Nice? The Christmas Witch is on it!
Terrific La Befana image courtesy of this random site.
Fellow witches, moms, people!
Let’s make this the best Winter-Pagan-festival Christmas, yet! Who on your list deserves to be everlastingly blessed? Who among your list needs an epic takedown? For whom do you still need to make a quick Kohl’s run? We’ve got you covered with inspo that will meet your whole list’s wants, needs, and just-desserts!
For the preschool teacher
Who works tirelessly with your five-year-old who needs additional support learning letters:
A large sum of money found on the sidewalk, no strings attached.
Peaceful, beautiful, dreams each night for the remainder of her days.
The soothing lavender collection.
For the Chicago ICE Agents
Who dragged a terrified daycare worker with a legal work visa out of her place of work in front of horrified parents and children:
Antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea This nice candle might do.
For the staff at your pediatrician’s office
Who remember all of your children on site, chat with them like real people, and never let you leave without formula for the baby and stickers for the big kids:
A letter from your children, mystically sent from a decade or so in the future, expressing the impact they had on them
A letter from you, right now, maybe written while weeping, expressing how much their always-on kindness means to your underslept, overwhelmed, nervous-about-RSV-and—unebelievably—measles, self.
To the people making measles something underslept, overwhelmed parents need to worry about again:
A sincere wish that they do not experience a loved one becoming seriously ill with a preventable disease.
A good bedtime book.
To your favorite kind checkout worker at the grocery store:
Just slip them the best candy in the checkout aisle.
Or, if peanuts feel risky, the second-best candy (Ed. note: we can agree to disagree).
Or, if they scoff at US Chocolate, the good stuff you can’t get here.
Or, if they don’t like chocolate, maybe question why they are your favorite? some gummy bears?
For your inappropriate colleague
Who regularly slips in casually prejudiced or belittling comments with a smile:
A persistent blister on the pinky toe that won’t go away. Too small to seek formal help but always a little there.
These happy bandaids to help.
For your beloved brothers:
An apology for all the times you practiced your budding witchcraft on them as a preadolescent. You didn’t really mean it. And you’re glad their valuables and friendships and good looks (mostly) survived your efforts.
For the newborn parent in your life:
The gentle assurance that this will pass; it does get easier, richer, and, somehow, way more annoying—but you will sleep again. No spells needed.
….and the toddler and preschool parent in your life:
Just wish them luck—and stay far away so you don’t get sucked into their chaos-orbit. No spells can really help them at this point in their journey.
And finally, to your editor best friend
Who writes weirdo essays with you for a weirdo audience:
This horrifying Goldfish sweatshirt. (I don’t know; maybe it’s time to make our own less creepy merch?)
Merry Yule, Solstice, and Winter beginnings! ❤️💚
Note: None of these are affiliate links and we do not get paid if you buy anything. We actually don’t get paid at all to do any of this. Shocking, right?
